The never ending hardness

I know my last post was totally cold, and i did it on purpose, cause i didnt want to write about whats really going on inside of me and life. I didnt want to because im not that positive these days, and well i made a decision that i wasnt going to truly write about my self on my blog anymore. I thought i would just write about curious happenings that spark in my mind. But im violating that and now im just saying it like it is.

I have been finding things hard. And i want to be finished my masters thesis. I want to be free. I feel stalled and restricted, and i have for the whole year. Things have just taken soooo much longer than i anticipated, and i have so much still to do, and im going home in two weeks – by which time i want to be finished – but why do i think i can be finished then when every other deadline i have set has just turned out to be a joke. I have had great moments when i have really enjoyed the writing, though perhaps it is the idea of the writing i enjoy more, the theoretical – wow i get to do lots of reading and write a case for all my wonderful results and prove that they will change the world – wow what a great opportunity! and i would totally have enjoyed it more if i had of know it would take me 5 months to write. But who knows, perhaps i would have taken things to easy if i had set my self that long. In the beginning (of the writting) it was just hard to even look at my results because i felt that all they said was – your a failure! But my supervisor pulled me through that one and i like my results now :) Recently the challenge has been trying to understand the overwhelming quantity of literature relating to my topic, for example there are 8500 publications referring to E-cadherin, which is one protein i am studying, there are 17416 publications for Human papillomavirus, which is the virus im studying. Of course that can sound a bit misleading, im not gonna read even a fraction of those – i just read the new ones and the review articles, so that makes it easier (even so there has been 96 reviews on E-cadherin just this year!). Realistically i’ll prob have 100-200 citations in my reference section (at a guess). Things are progressing, but just super slow, i feel bad cause i keep telling my supervisor i’ll have various chapters finished by certain dates but i never do. Well, im not gonna be too hard on myself because its a learning process, this being the first thesis if have written, and i am happy with the work i have done – just not the time line or the process. And i dont want to be too negative cause well its just not helpful, and sometimes not true. Anyway just thought i’d be real with your face.