In my Hot new pants

I crashed into a girl whilst on my bike, I was turning into a driveway and she was walking along the foot path then she stopped, just stopped and had a good old google at I don’t know what. Maybe I was expecting too much but I thought she was going to keep walking. It seems her expectations were different to mine and she stopped. Luckily I didn’t really crash full on into her, I just hit her back pack and shoved her over a couple of steps, nothing serious she didn’t get hurt or fall over. She did give out a squeal and her friend (who had actually kept walking and was about two meters away – where she should be!) gave me the evils. I apologised and said that I hadn’t expected her to stop. Maybe I was just blame shifting but I didn’t want here to think I did it on purpose! We both weren’t very happy with each other but went on our ways without a fuss. When I told one of the lab technicians about the incident I got right told off. I was told that if that girl wanted to stop on the foot path then she had the right to do that. I thought that was a good call so decided to accept the blame for not giving her enough room. Heck I still don’t know what she stopped to gawk at. Hope it was worth it. Am I a danger to the community? Dogs and daydreamers beware!

Today I brought some new jeans. I have been meaning to for a while because all but 1 of my jeans are ripped at the knees. A couple of weeks ago I was wearing some pants and realised that they made me feel UGLY. They were just way too big for me, I really suck when it comes to getting the right fitting size. Last year I got some socks and undines without looking at the size! They were too small I just gave them away. Also on the topic of UGLY, there was a situation a couple of weeks ago where I needed old clothes, so I took a couple of old T-shirts to this situation. When I put the first one on and looked in the mirror I actually exclaimed out loud “God this must be the UGLIEST shirt in the WHOLE WORLD!!” It was horrifying to think that I actually ever worn it. Uhhh it was sooooo baggy, and the sleeves, oh the sleeves! They went to my elbows! Ahhhhh it was so horrible. It wasn’t even worthy of being used in an old clothes situation. Oh and it was V neck, which is not so bad but really didn’t work with the whole baggyness. Its OK though because I don’t have to wear it and haven’t for along time. Plus now I have some Hot new pants, so I don’t have to wear my ripped jeans (as much) and UGLY green pants can just be for old clothes situations. Its funny how putting on a different pair of pants can switch me from feeling UGLY to feeling HOT. Sorry but they do, well for the moment… until they to become the UGLIEST things ive ever seen. Why do we play this fickle game? I mean I actually don’t try to play the keeping up with fashion game, but somehow it still manages to afflict me with its judgments of cool and uncoolness. Infiltrating its way into my confidence in how I look.

Thanks Sam and Mel for the encouraging comments! I have to say im not out of the place that I wrote about in my previous post, but this is not a new place for me. It’s a place of facing a sense of current and past failure as well as impending failure every day. Its inspite of this still hoping that the future will be different. Its realising that when im discouraged I tend to procrastinate and so have to constantly structure my time to avoid wasting it. Its re-assessing my expectations that were too high and seeing success in reality. Its remembering the big picture, why I’m doing this research. Its hearing from god that he is taking me through this hard time so that I can be prepared for the future. There is a purpose. He has not thrown me away. The battle is remembering and believing these things.